I Want a Baby

There is nothing better than a baby. I really can't think of one thing that's better. I've spent a lot of the last few days at my brother's house with his wife and two adorable kids. The newest one is Skyler. He's about 5 months old and he's the perfect little size and has so much sunshine inside him it's just leaking out of his pores. I love being his little friend; he smiles at me like there's nothing in the whole world that could make him sad. And even when he is sad, if I bounce him and rock him, he goes right to sleep and will just suck his thumb and sleep on me for hours. I love feeling his tiny little hands on my skin, the fingers brushing softly on my arms as he sleeps. I love hearing him suck his tiny thumb and feel his little wiggles as he dreams. There is seriously nothing better. I sure love that little man. It makes me want one of my own so badly...but I know I have to wait and the waiting is good for now.

It's Christmas Time!!

I love Christmas. Probably not as much or for the same reasons as many people, but it is a wonderful holiday. Last night my sister and I got to wrap presents for her 8 year old daughter, my beautiful niece, and it was so fun to get to play Santa :) She was so excited to see all the presents under their tree and she's been trying all day to guess what each one is. It's so wonderful to share the magic of Christmas with a child...there's a kind of magic just in the sparkle of her eyes.

Of course, Christmas isn't really about magic or Santa or the presents under the tree. It's really about the birth of our Savior and a time when the whole world seems to remember, for just a moment, that we're all connected, that we all, in our hearts, want peace and joy for all mankind. It's a time when, no matter your religion, no matter where you live, you are one with each person on the planet in celebrating our opportunity to be alive and our connection to a higher power who loves us.

People are kinder, more willing to give of themselves, and family is the center of everyone's focus. It should be that way all the time, but since it's not, it's nice to enjoy the feeling during the Christmas season. I love my family so much, and I can't imagine being without them at Christmas time. I love the lights, the smell of the tree, the giggles of the little ones...   Merry Christmas to everyone!!!

Trees

If you remember, I love trees, and I seem to have an unusual sensitivity/affinity for them. (The evidence is also in the picture dominating the upper portion of this page.) Somehow, they speak to me, to a place deep inside me where the vibrations of creation still linger from a time when we were one with the things of the earth. The following is a poem I wrote about wanting to be a tree.

Grow


I want to be
A tree

Just stand in one place and 
Shoot roots into the ground

My brown hair grow
Thick, climbing, twisting

Close my eyes and 
Awake a tall, strong oak

Or a wispy, whispering
Weeping willow

Feel the water soaking, seeping
Deep into my waiting veins

Furl out leaves of
Velvet silver

Breathe with the breeze
Sigh with the wind

Live
Grow

The Beauty of Art

Dance and animation collaboration produces stirring viral video

As you know, anything that has to do with dance is something I love. This video is something the animation and dance departments at BYU put together and it is beautiful. I love The Weepies, who sing the song and the story is a familiar one to anyone who's ever been in love...or what they thought was love. It's the haunting thought that maybe you could have done something different, something that would have made them stay...but then you realize that even if you had, it wouldn't have changed anything.
So, on that all so pleasant note: enjoy the latest beauty I've discovered :)

Let Love In

I think sometimes people are afraid to love. It's a place we're vulnerable, a place full of land mines daring us to step on them. But it's a place we all must go at some point or we risk becoming cold and shut off from the rest of the world. In the words of Leonardo da Vinci: "A life without love is no life at all." I know I'm guilty of the fear of love. The minute someone gets close, I get skeptical, wondering if it's real, if I'm ready to risk my heart yet again, if I'm strong enough to trust him. But once I let love in, I'm in for the long haul. I'm a person who loves sincerely and deeply. I put roots in every relationship, and if the relationship gets uprooted, it hurts badly. But it also makes for some beautiful trees in my life. I don't believe in doing anything half-heartedly.

So even though it's dangerous, I'm willing to be vulnerable. I'm willing to let love in.

C.S. Lewis is My Hero

I've been reading Words to Live By which is a compilation of writings of C.S. Lewis on different subjects. My very favorite so far is the second word in the book: asceticism. On the subject he says, and I quote:
"To shrink back from all that can be called Nature into negative spirituality is as if we ran away from horses instead of learning to ride. There is in our present pilgrim condition plenty of room (more room than most of us like) for abstinence and renunciation and mortifying our natural desires. But behind all asceticism the thought should be, 'Who will trust us with the true wealth if we cannot be trusted even with the wealth that perishes?' Who will trust me with a spiritual body if I cannot control even an earthly body? These small and perishable bodies we now have were given to us as ponies are given to schoolboys. We must learn to manage: not that we may some day be free of horses altogether but that some day we may ride bare-back, confident and rejoicing, those greater mounts, those winged, shining and world-shaking horses which perhaps even now expect us with impatience, pawing and snorting in the King's stables. Not that the gallop would be of any value unless it were a gallop with the King; but how else--since He has retained His own charger--should we accompany Him?"

Now let that sink in a little bit. Maybe read it again. I love the analogy of horses that he uses; maybe it resonates with me because I love horses so much, but I think anyone can feel the weight of the comparison. Horses are such powerful, thundering creatures, ones to be gotten used to and a relationship must be developed. To be exalted in Heaven, we must master our earthly bodies so that we can be trusted with better bodies on High and ride with the King in a thundering charge through the heavens. What a magnificent day that will be. Thinking of it like that makes it so much easier to make decisions that will keep me pure...it helps to know that in the end it is worth the sacrifices of this world. For this world is full of pony-sized pleasures, but there is a winged stallion waiting for me if I do well.

Dear Future Husband

Can we please skip through a meadow at sunset? Will you read me poetry late at night and let me fall asleep to the sound of your voice? Will you please kiss me softly at just the right moments? Can we never go to bed angry? Will you let me drive your car? Will you watch girly movies with me and pass me Kleenex when I cry at the end? Can the words "I love you" never get old? Will you hold my hand across the table during meals? Can we take a dance class together? Can we please raise our kids in a house with a big backyard with enormous trees? Will you build me a porch swing? Will you tell me I'm beautiful first thing in the morning? Will you surprise me sometimes? Can we cloud gaze on summer afternoons? Will you always be honest with me? Will you leave love notes around the house? Can we never part without a kiss goodbye? Can we grow old together?

Piano Music and Hot Chocolate

I'm at the beginning of the hands-down busiest morning I've had since coming to college, yet I find myself calm, composed and clear-headed while sipping a cup of hot chocolate and listening to the piano soundtrack of Pride and Prejudice. Just thought I would tell everyone what a beautiful morning it is :)

Nutella is the Universal Connector

I love Nutella more than almost any other food in all existence. If you don't know what Nutella is, your life is very sadly incomplete. It is like chocolate peanut butter, without tasting at all like peanuts, and it  is sooooooooooo good. Ahhhhh. 

So, the reason I'm explaining why Nutella is so wonderful is so that you understand the awesomeness of the story I'm about to tell you: I was sitting in the Wilk the other day (which is sort of the commons building at BYU) at a table with a few people I didn't know, just reading a book and minding my own business, and kind of randomly catching bits of their conversation. As I was about to leave, they started talking about Nutella, so of course I looked up with interest and they asked if I knew what it was. I said "Are you kidding me??? I LOVE Nutella!" We proceeded to have a lovely conversation, as complete strangers, about how wonderful Nutella is. 

Conclusion: Nutella is the universal connector! :)

Holding Hands...again

I miss a lot of things about being in a relationship, but most of all I miss holding hands. I talked about this before and everything I said then still applies. I know I've blathered on about Matt quite a bit, but I'm still missing him a lot and then I saw this on my roommate's blog:

Have you ever wondered how two hands can fit so perfectly? Every line, every bone, every small detail flawlessly matched. I have. I wonder every day how holding your hand would make me feel complete. I don’t think you’ve noticed, but late at night, when we walk down the streets, I would secretly sneak my hand next to yours, so they can accidentally touch as we speak. And I would always hope that you would take it and hold it in yours, so we could see life hand in hand. And tonight you did. You held my hand in the softest of ways, our fingers clinging gently to each other’s heart. We were growing happiness between our thumbs as our skin lines came together like jigsaw pieces. You looked at me and smiled with that crooked smile of yours which makes you so special to me. I smiled back, and put my head on your shoulder. Have you ever wondered why we fall in love? I have. I wonder every day. 

This is the way I always felt holding hands with Matt, like our hands were two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. (I should clarify, in case you haven't read the past posts, Matt and I never dated, he's my gay best friend; which I think is something every girl needs at some point in her life haha) We always say that we'll know we've found The One when holding hands with someone else feels as right as it does with each other. 
So there's some beautiful writing to digest :) Have happy thoughts of love this weekend :)

Dancing Joys

I go to a salsa dancing club that meets every Tuesday up at the school and I have now been asked out twice since going there by complete strangers! That has never happened. EVER. In my life. Until now!! I don't know what it is about going there, but I must be sexy when I'm dancing ;)

I started going to the group because I miss salsa dancing soooo much. I competed in it for 3 years in high school with my best friend Matt, who I've mentioned before. He and I were all kinds of hot and fabulous when we danced, and dancing with him is what made me decide that I wanted to be a dance therapist. Matt and I learned so much from each other, both on the dance floor and off. We became best friends, and I really don't think that friendship will ever go away, it only keeps getting better! Dancing at the salsa club makes me miss dancing with him so much...I feel the lack of his presence very sharply right now since I got to see him over Thanksgiving, and now the pain of being separated is fresh again. So I'm letting myself mope a little tonight. Here's a few pictures of us :)

Matt is the standard my future husband is going to have to live up to. I'd marry Matt, but he's gay and Catholic haha. But other than that, we're more than perfect for each other. He's perfect just the way he is, and I wouldn't want him or our relationship to be any different. My whole family loves him and he's the best friend I could ever ask for. Good luck future husband!! :)

My Apartment Smells Like Fish

So I came home from Thanksgiving with my parents in Colorado last night and when I walked into my apartment, it smelled disgustingly of fish. Now, we do have a fish (named Chula) in the apartment, but she's never smelled up the place like that before!! I figured it must be whatever food my roommates gave her before they left so that she wouldn't die, but I couldn't imagine it would smell that bad! So I busted out the Fabreeze and sprayed the whole place, which sort of helped, but not really. Long story short, it's better today, but it was an interesting night haha. (Oh, and we figured out it wasn't our little Chula, it was the fish my roommate cooked a few days ago that she put down the sink and I guess whatever cleaning she did didn't quite cover it.)

For those of you who have noticed that my blog is different, I got my inspiration from the movie The Fountain. If you haven't seen it, you need to do so as soon as possible. It's pretty abstract and takes a few viewings to really understand it, but it is one of my all time favorites and continues to inspire me every time I see it or even think about it. It's sort of centered on a search for the Tree of Life, which looks a little bit like the picture at the top as it's depicted in the movie. Oh man, I can't even express how much I love that movie---it's chock-full of food for thought and really makes you think about reality, which of course is what my blog is all about!!

Well, I wish everyone a very happy post-Thanksgiving Sunday and a wonderful start to the week!

People Watching

I enjoy catching little glimpses of people's lives as they pass by:
I love seeing old people hold hands :) I always want to cheer for the love story that's lasted so long, especially in a world where so many people are unwilling to get through the yuck to grow old and into love with each other.
I love watching little kids run around and say the funny things they do.
My favorite thing about walking around campus is seeing dads with their little babies while their wives are in class. There is something so tender about a father with his baby...I don't even know how to describe what it is, but it just warms me very deeply every time I see it.
I love seeing people rock out in their cars when they think no one is watching them. I admire that kind of confidence, to just jam to the music and not care who sees you.
It's so sweet to see people run into each other's arms in airports. It's like the whole world is contained in that longed-for embrace...which it is.
I love it when I make eye contact with an attractive guy, both of us look away, then look back again a few seconds later at the same time :) For those few seconds, I've made a connection.
When I'm driving down the freeway, or really any road, it's interesting to try to imagine the lives of the people in the cars around me. Everyone has a story, they're not just bodies running around, which I think is how we think of strangers sometimes--at least I know I've been guilty of that kind of thinking.
I guess that's the point of people watching: to try to understand the parade of humanity passing by...

Sunday Thoughts

I am constantly amazed by the power of music. It can lift you up out of the deepest heartache, move you to tears...make things stir inside you in places you didn't know existed in your own body. Music is creation to me. I love the scene in The Magician's Nephew by C.S. Lewis when Aslan creates Narnia by singing. The children, watching, can hear the different things he's creating in the notes he sings: deep, resonating notes for the trees, light, cascading notes for the waterfalls and streams and flowers. That's how I always imagined God creating the world: with music. The scriptures talk about angels singing when they rejoice--that the sound of rejoicing is music, not just shouting as loudly as possible.

I've mentioned before that I almost constantly have music playing. Currently, I'm listening to Black Balloon by the Goo Goo Dolls...truly one of my very favorite songs. There's something about it that almost always fits whatever mood I'm in. It's gray and blue and rain and soul all mixed into one song. I love the Goo Goo Dolls, especially lately.

Tonight, I get to sing in a choir for the first time since the spring. We're singing at a church fireside, with all of this incredible Thanksgiving themed music. That's the best kind in my opinion, because it's all about praising the Lord and all of the beautiful, plentiful blessings he has given us and being thankful for the bounteous Earth we live on. I'm so excited to be back in a choir, even if just for one night, I have missed singing so much.

I'm so thankful for the beautiful music that fills my life, whether it's actual music or the music of people's hearts and souls that vibrate in the air. Everyone has a melody, all they have to do is reach deep and let it out.

A Bit of Poetry

This is a poem I wrote quite some time ago and kind of re-vamped this summer. I found the picture on the Tumblr of this really incredible photographer, Lara Jade. Check out her photography site: www.larajade.com

I wear a mask of diamond light

It’s a world of colors, happy and bright.

I display the angel they want to see; 

It’s a masquerade to hide the real me. 

I wear a mask of diamond light,

To keep it on takes all my might.

I want to tear off this terrible lie,

But to do so would be to surely die. 

I wear a mask of diamond light.

It’s filtered illusions of wrong and right.

Voices are muted, the past forgotten.

An unseen pit of charades gone rotten.

I wear a mask of diamond light

My wings are clipped, no hope for flight.

This whirl of splendor yields an iron cage

All the world is a colorful stage. 

I wear a mask of diamond light

It molds to my face, it fits on tight.

My soul is corseted, my breath is caught

All attempts to get free come but to naught. 

I wear a mask of diamond light

It’s a world of colors, happy and bright.

I display the angel they want to see; 

It’s a masquerade to hide the real me. 

Weddings!

Ok, I admit it: I LOVE weddings. I love everything about them, from the flowers, to the dress, to the food, to the venue, to the people, to the romantic story behind the blissful coming together of two completely separate lives that will now become one. Ahhhh, it's all so lovely!
Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say that I know every single detail of what I want for my wedding, whenever it happens, but I do have some ideas (which are subject to change, of course).

First, the dress. Here are a couple pictures of some ideas that appeal to me:

I really am attracted to having a Spanish lace dress; I tried one on this summer and almost bought it on the spot. These pictures show well what I want: a fitted dress all made of lace, and kind of layered. My mom thinks that if I get a Spanish lace dress I should have a mantilla veil which looks like this: 

Second, the bouquet:

I love the cascade of the flowers, and I like the variety of white. I think white flowers are really elegant, but I'd never be able to choose just one kind, so the different kinds all white together are perfect. 

Third, the cake. I've decided that I want my wedding colors to be red and black, so I think this is something like what I want my cake to look like:

Well, that's about all that I have nailed down at the moment and this is turning into a very long post. I'm so excited to actually plan my wedding someday!

Dream Dress

I will someday wear a dress like this. End of story.

Letters

I have mentioned in a couple of my other posts that I love letters. I think they are the most beautiful, expressive form of communication ever conceived. There is something so personal about a letter; maybe it's the fact that it's written in a person's own handwriting, which no other communication is. It's as if a little of the essence of a person is captured in those few minutes they spend with their hand pressed against the paper, perhaps with the tip of their tongue poking out of the corner of their mouth or a slight smirk on their lips as they concentrate and enjoy the things they are writing. There's also a vulnerability in a letter....it's not necessarily permanent, like a typed document, it's not a traceable email or text message; it's a piece of paper, easily destroyed or kept hidden and safe. The paper or envelope may even carry the scent of the sender, which an email never could.

In short, letters are the most personal, wonderful way to communicate with another person.

One person with whom I communicate regularly in this way is my friend Robert. We've written letters to each other since 8th grade, and I hope the habit will continue for quite some time. Notes we passed to each other in the hallways or shoved in each other's lockers became letters in envelopes with stamps when he went to college a semester early so that he could live away from home for a while before serving a mission for our church. Now that he is on his mission we continue to write, and I am so grateful that we got in the practice of communicating in this way a couple of years before he left, because now I can read between the lines and see his face and know what he doesn't say in ink.

Every day that the mail comes and doesn't bring me one of his letters, the sun shines a little less brightly. It's all I can do to stop myself from running to the mail box on my way home from class every day. Even when I know it's too soon for a letter to come, I can't help getting excited! And then of course the days his letters do come....no amount of rain can bring me down from Cloud 9. I love hearing about his experiences on the mission and I love watching his character and testimony develop and grow under the trials of the work. And I LOVE getting to write back and tell him all of the amazing things I'm learning and the ways that I'm growing in college. It's so nice to write to someone who knows me so well and who I know will be honest with me because I know him just as well. Those missionary letters are extra special.

The reason this is particularly on my mind tonight is because I was going through all of our previous letters tonight, the ones from high school and his first semester of college when I was still at home, and now to his mission letters. It was so amazing to see how much our lives changed and how we became the people we are now through reading those letters from him. He's always been so eloquent and so sweet. He always makes a point to tell me something he likes about me or how thankful he is to have me as a friend, and he constantly notices the little things. One of my favorites is the hand-made Valentines card he gave me our junior year. It was an imperfectly cut white heart that wished me a happy Valentine's Day and explained his gift to me: a huge tube of Sweet Pea body wash from Bath and Body Works. He had heard me say, just in passing a few days before, that I'd run out of body wash and had meant to go to B&B Works to get some. AND HE REMEMBERED!! He remembered what store I'd said I was going to go to and went there and found the most feminine, soft thing he could that he thought I would like. It was kind of a strange gift, which he acknowledged, but it was one of the sweetest, most sensitive things anyone has ever done for me. Man, he's the best. :)

Sorry for the long swoony rant about how much I love Robert's letters, but I am currently in the waiting phase, so I'm getting anxious to get the letter I know is on its way, and it's definitely on my mind, plus the whole nostalgic kick I'm on from reading all those old letters. So now you know for sure: I'm a hopeless romantic :)

10 things I've learned in college

1. Contrary to my own beliefs, I am capable of living with other girls.
2. Eating is more complicated than it seemed at home.
3. Girls are better at communicating than boys, but that doesn't mean they're amazing at it.
4. Having family near is a must.
5. Being responsible for my own place is so much easier than I thought.
6. College isn't a whole lot different from high school: there are still catty girls and idiotic boys, fashion matters, people still judge you, you still need to kiss up to certain professors, everyone gossips---now everything's just on a much larger scale.
7. Despite the similarities to high school, college is INFINITELY better.
8. NO ONE cares when you come in at night.
9. The cell phone was the best invention ever.
10. Friends are not something to take for granted.

Return To Me

Return to me the time when things were simple. When there was him and no one else.
Return to me the time when his kisses fixed everything. When his hand in mine was enough.
Return to me the time when silence said so much. When our thoughts were all we needed.
Return to me the time when his music filled the house. When an hour under the piano was an eternity of bliss.
Return to me the time when there was no loneliness. When "you and me" were inseparable. 


Return to me.

Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful

Today was SUCH a beautiful day. Well, it was really just an extension of a really wonderful night, into today. Last night my sister and I dressed up as fairies (she was a vampire-bitten fairy, and I was just a pretty fairy) and went to an awesome raw food pot-luck and then partied with about 5 other people, 2 of whom we'd just met, well into the night. We sat by a fire and played the guitar and sang and told real scary stories and laughed and hugged and....oh it was just wonderful!! And then today, we woke up in the late morning, looking up to the beautiful bubble-like lights strung across my sister's ceiling and all of her amazing plants that make her tiny place so full of life and green. The air was perfect and warm, and it was so beautiful to wake up next to my awesome sister and just pounce on and cuddle with each other for a while :) We made hot cereal and sat out on her porch and just soaked in the beauty of her magical garden---

I have to take one second to pause and try to describe my sister's garden. She lives on a normal street in Sugarhouse with cute little houses all around, but hers you enter by way of an old, creaky wooden gate in a wooden fence which hides her house from the rest of the street. Inside the gate there are aspen trees and pine trees and a willow tree that are so alive and climbing higher and higher each day. There is a small fountain on the side of the path leading up to the house from the gate and its gentle trickle is so pleasant and makes the whole place seem like an oasis of quiet and tranquility. Now that it's fall, leaves and pine needles carpet the ground and the air is moist and smells of rain. Mmmm it's just breathtaking, and my attempt to describe its beauty doesn't even come close to doing it justice.  --

Back to breakfast :) So we sat on the steps at the head of the path through the front yard and listened to the birds and breathed in the fragrance of the coming rain. We ate our apple, oat, and raisin cereal out of these thick, deep pottery bowls, which just made the food even better. Wow....what a beautiful morning.

We then took quite the adventurous walk through the woods that are just a jaunt up the street from her house! I couldn't believe such a beautiful place could exist right in the middle of all these houses. It reminded me starkly of Robert Frost's poem that goes "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood;" the whole wood was filled with trees that had bright yellow leaves and the ground was thick with the fallen gold. In my tall black boots and my red pea coat I felt like quite the fall adventurer! We ran and kicked our way through the leaves and admired the little stream winding its way through the wood. I could literally spend all day there and never get bored or want to leave. It was a dream.

Then came the best part of all: I DYED MY HAIR RED!!!!! (pictures soon to come) It was sooooo fun doing that with my sister, who is so ready to take part in any new adventure and she was so great and supportive in this first time experience for me. Neither of us had even dyed hair before and she was so brave to just get her hands goopy and slather it all on. It was so fun, and it turned out sooooo great!! I am deeply, deeply in love with this red hair; I think it was the color I was always meant to have. So now begins my "red butterfly phase." I've been in the white one for quite some time and now I am ready for some fire and some sass!

The rest of the evening passed quite relaxingly in going to see our oldest sister and her daughter, whom we took Trick-or-Treating for a little while and then we made soup and just spent some good time together.

I love my family so much. I really couldn't have asked for a better Halloween. Hooray!!

Beautiful Butterfly

As I have previously mentioned, right now I am in what I'm calling my "butterfly phase" and it is beautiful. Over the summer, the concept came to me in the form of real butterflies; I dreamed about them, I saw them everywhere, and even a couple books I read by chance had a lot to do with butterflies. I took it as an omen that that was the beginning of my "butterfly phase" and started taking notice of the ways in which I was changing. The most obvious is of course that I was leaving for college, which entailed so many changes I couldn't think of them all. I'd been in my safe chrysalis at home, and now I was to emerge into a world I saw with new eyes, with new wings to carry  me into my new life.

A few days ago, my mom sent me an email, telling me she'd been going through some papers and found a copy of a poem she wrote for me when I turned 17. It's called Mariposa, which means "butterfly" in Spanish. It said a lot about my life when I was 17 and it says even more about the woman I am now and expresses beautifully all the things I feel about my "butterfly phase."

Mariposa

Soft sweep of white wings,

Gentle sparkle through the blue,

I see now that it is you.

There was a woman in the chrysalis . . .

. . . I see her now.

Content in her wrapping, she sifted.

Nourishment, in gentle swaths,

Seeped in through seams in mind and skin.

In the center, pliant strength coursed like a joyous sap.

Eyes of a doe, filled with wisdom ~

Grace of a willow, cut loose and swirling ~

Sacred whiteness of a mother forming.

I see her now.

Wings filled and pulsing . . .

A world of love awaiting.

Sunday Thoughts

This is one of my very favorite pictures of Christ; it embodies everything I most deeply feel about Him: that he is loving and tender, and always has a hand extended down to us to lift us up out of the raging rivers of sorrow or fear or temptation.

I have felt Christ particularly close to me in the past couple of weeks as I've been thinking about a lesson we had in church a couple weeks ago that I haven't been able to get out of my head. I don't even remember what the lesson was about, but the teacher was talking about the love of Christ and how He will wipe away our tears. She asked us to think about a time we've wiped tears off of someone else's face, even if it was just a baby, and how that felt. We talked about what an intimate, tender gesture that is, to be so close to someone physically when they are in some kind of pain. I couldn't help then to imagine Christ physically wiping tears off of my face....it brought me to tears right there in the lesson just thinking about it. I'd heard the phrase "Christ will wipe away every tear" but I had never actually imagined what it would feel like to have Him touch my face and look into my eyes and with that look and tender touch bring me peace. That feeling has stuck with me in the weeks since, and I've been wanting to tell people about it, so this seemed the appropriate time and place.

I know that Christ is always there to comfort us and lift us up when we fall into dangerous waters. All we have to do is reach up, and take His hand.

Learning to Dance In the Rain

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." This is one of my favorite quotes. I LOVE to dance in the rain. If you ask my mom, she'll tell you that you know I'm happy when I have someone who'll dance in the rain with me--that's the sign of a true friend. Some of my best poems, best kisses, best moments in general have happened in/because of the rain. 

There's something so peaceful in the sound of the drops hitting the window panes. Something ethereal in the air as the whole world turns gray. Something in the rain makes me pensive and quiet, and it's kind of nice not to really talk to anyone, just be alone with my thoughts. 

A couple weeks ago it rained so hard--I couldn't believe it! And I had to walk 11 blocks home from the grocery store, so I had a gallon of milk in my backpack and two bags of groceries I was carrying. Oh, and no jacket. The rain literally felt like buckets of water being poured over my head again and again, it was crazy! When I finally got home, I looked like I'd jumped into a swimming pool with all my clothes on. For some reason, being rain-wet seems much wetter than shower-wet; I have no idea why that is. Maybe it's all the water your clothes hold, it makes you feel heavy and saturated with the water....Anyway, it was an adventure :) 

Here's a poem about rain that I wrote when I was 14, visiting New York with my dad:

Mushrooms in New York

The rain pours
Steadily
On the busy streets of Manhattan.
From the 13th floor of one
Of many
Skyscrapers, I watch
Two-legged mushrooms
Scurry about
In the rain.
Their bubble tops are
Colored,
The legs all look
The same.
These funny little
Two-legged mushrooms
That I watch from the
13th floor

Me

I eat sandwiches, burgers, cookies and all other such finger/hand-eaten foods upside-down.

I am a procrastinator--and I mean if you think you procrastinate, I promise I'm worse. 

I think letters are the most beautiful form of any communication. 

I am an avid admirer of art, particularly artsy photography. 

I'm not super girly, but I do love pretty perfume bottles and flowers, and I consider myself fairly good at decorating tastefully. 

I almost always have music playing, which makes me the most thankful person for the invention of portable music players, especially iPods. I will say, however, that sharing a room with someone who has very distinctly different taste in music than myself has taught me incredible tolerance and ability to not have music playing while getting ready if she's still asleep. 

I would rather read or dance than almost anything else. 

I like being around people, but I value my alone time very much. I prefer more intimate one-on-one time with people I hang out with, it's easier to connect that way. 

I'm good at talking to strangers. 

I LOVE babies....and weddings :) 

I love talking on the phone; sometimes it's easier than being in person because I can do other things while I'm talking without feeling like I'm being rude--I like my hands to be busy no matter what I'm doing. 

On that note, I love to knit. I knit my first sweater this year and I'm super excited to wear it this fall/winter!! 

I have a major scarf fetish. I don't even know how many scarves I own, but I love every single one of them and wear them as often as possible. 

I love snuggling--which extends to hugs, kisses, holding hands etc. I'm very physically affectionate.

I am a chocolate lover. My dad would always bring me chocolate from his business trips, even if it was just the chocolate left on his pillow in a hotel. I have treasured that little gesture from him so much--that he knows that little piece of chocolate will make me happy and let me know that he loves me. 

I appreciate slow movies. It obviously depends on the movie, but if it's worth it, I can sit through a slow one. I'm also the kind of girl that likes action movies, so the boys are safe with any movie with me, I'm easy to please ;)

Taking walks is very calming to me. I like both going alone and with someone else, but I kind of max out on one other person. 

I have a very special connection to trees. If I could be anything, I'd be one of the dancing trees in the Chronicles of Narnia.

I have very vivid, colorful dreams.

I write poetry as often as possible, and will, in the very near future, publish a book of poetry!

I love my blog!! And I love getting comments, so please do!

Sunday Thoughts

It's been an interesting week.

My emotions have been all over the place, and I'm not really sure how to express them in the right way. I'm missing home for the first time...mostly my mom. I miss her hugs and just having her around. Seeing my aunt, who looks like my mom, has made me miss her even more. I miss Matt, my best friend in the entire world. I need his solidity and his bubbly love. 

On the other hand, this week has been full of social activity and it just flew by!! We had a huge party for all 3 of my roommates, who all have birthdays in October, and my cousin had her mission farewell today, so I saw a lot of family.

....overall, a roller-coaster week.

Holding Hands

I am a person that feeds off of physical affection. It's definitely one of my languages of love, the other being verbal affection/quality time. But specifically, I love holding hands. It's the thing that never fails to give me that "butterflies in my stomach" feeling, no matter how many times we've done it before. The best thing about holding hands is that it's a way to be intimate that's safe, quiet, and...beautiful. Looking down and seeing your fingers intertwined with someone else's, that moment when you can't tell whose hands are whose....that's the moment you know it's something special.

I miss holding hands so much...

D.A.N.C.E.

I want to be a dance therapist. I've known since I was a little girl that I wanted to be in some kind of therapy, and I've always loved dance--it's always come very naturally to my body. And in the last year I found that putting the two together would be the perfect career path for me.

I was talking tonight with my dad and I was telling him about my latest development for my dance therapy idea: couples therapy/marriage therapy in dance. I think the idea was always in the back of my mind but I was never sure how to manifest it or make it a reality. But that's what this blog is all about, the reality of my imagination!

The reason partnered dance therapy is so perfect is because you're connecting to someone on every level of attraction, or even just every level of connection you can have with another person. You're connecting mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, creatively... It's amazing! I knew I wanted to do dance therapy in the first place because of what dancing with a parter did to my own life. I was going through a major depression and the only thing that kept me sane was dancing with my partner Matt. I knew I had that outlet with him where I was safe and beautiful and creative, I had someone close to me who understood me on all those levels. And it saved my life.

Dance is something that allows you to create this organic light, and it's especially beautiful when you get to make that with another person. Dancing has changed my life, and continues to change me as I move through my butterfly phase :) I love every minute of it.

White

I've decided that white is my color. Well, color is the wrong word since all colors come from the breaking of white. In any case, I've found that I look best in white. It makes me feel elegant and somehow older. Plus, wedding dresses are white, and wedding dresses are something I kind of obsess over. Sometimes I go wedding dress shopping just for fun, to get ideas for what I eventually want.

White is...beautiful. So is black. I find myself wearing a lot of black too. I guess at the heart of things I'm a neutral color girl. That's kind of how my life is, I see things very plainly, the world is fairly black and white. But color is necessary. For example, I'm dying my hair red in a couple weeks!! This is a super drastic move for me, but I have been feeling the need for some drastic change. My whole life has been turned inside out and upside down, but it's finally facing the right way. I'm calling it my butterfly phase.

So there's my schpeal on white/color!

A Bit of Poetry

I wrote this the other night, and it pretty well sums up my philosophy on love. I am a lover of many things, so love is a prevalent subject in my poetry.

What is Love?

There are some things you cannot describe
With words:
Hearing a baby laugh.
Knowing there's someone listening
When you pray.
Reading the words "I miss you" written in
His hand.
Standing still in the
Rain.
A mother's hug.
The first time his hand slips into yours.

So many moments,
Indescribable feelings...

But there is one word for
All of it.

Love

Love is
Undefined
Unhindered
Unreserved

Indescribable

Feeling

Finally Blogging!!

I often think things that I wish I could tell someone, but it seems to come out better in my thoughts or in writing, so I've been wanting to start a blog, and now I have!! I'm exceptionally excited to share my thoughts and feelings and poetry etc with anyone who wants to see inside my head a little.

Welcome to the Reality of Imagination!!