Scattered

(Fair Warning: I've been wanting to blog for days, but I've been waiting for my mind to not feel so much like scrambled eggs before I made the attempt, but I guess it's not going to clear up in the super near future. So here are 10 non-cohesive musings from the last little bit on this sunny Monday morning. Good thing you love me, even when I'm in my personal crazy town!)

1. I've been on more dates in the last month than the whole year combined. Or at least that's what it feels like. It's actually making me really frustrated because I'm developing all these beautiful new connections and getting deeper into the souls and hearts of several of my closer friends RIGHT before I'm leaving for almost a year. GAH! I of course wouldn't trade the experiences I'm having for anything, but it's making me really really sad about leaving. But I know I have to go. It's the right thing....but...can I just take all my friends with me??

2. I went to the doctor for the 2nd time in almost 4 years to find out that I have tendinitis in my right wrist. So I'm now sporting an oh-so-fashionable brace and taking steroids for the next couple days to help it get better.

3.  I got my last haircut before I leave!! That's a bit of a scary thought: the next time I get my hair cut, it'll be an Italian wielding the scissors!

4. Forcing myself to go to work these last couple weeks is going to be immensely frustrating :/

5. My family is all going to our favorite summer spot in Idaho this weekend. It'll be the last time we're all together for quite some time, and I'm super stoked! It's called Island Park and it is basically paradise. I really need to remember to take pictures this year.

6. The other thing I'm going to miss the most besides my friends/family is dancing. I've been taking videos over the last couple weeks of me dancing with all my favorite people. It's been so bittersweet.

7. Julie Andrews is my idol. I just want to be her when I grow up.

8. Getting next-to-no sleep is always worth it to spend time with someone who fills me with so much light and peace. (But more sleep would be really great at some point.)

9. I get irrationally excited every time I get a new follower on Pinterest. Why is that so validating?

10. I'm a wee bit twitterpated for the first time in a long time and boy does it feel good, even though I know it has to be short-lived.

Happy Monday! Thanks for stopping by and wading through my tangled thoughts.

Journal Find

I keep a little thought book in my bag at all times; just a place to jot down random thoughts, quotes, Sunday notes, poems, or whatever's sparking my imagination at the moment. I recently got to the last page of my little book, so I went back and read it through all the way, which was really fun!

One of the little gems I wanted to share was an entry I made on my birthday. I'd gotten up waaayy earlier than I wanted to to catch a train up to Salt Lake to apply for a bunch of jobs, so I got to watch the sunrise over the mountains, and this came out:

The morning light is beautiful, almost white around the sun coming up over the mountains, then slowly fading into blue. The mountains themselves are clouded, as if seen through a frosted screen, revealing only shape, with no detail. On the ground, all the greens are bright, the yellow brought out in every shade. Everything around the greens is dulled by residual haze of the mountain mists. 

In the river running next to the train, the cotton-ball clouds are reflected and wrinkled as unseen webbed feet or tiny wings disturb the depths. 

(okay, it wasn't quite this beautiful, but you get the idea ;) )

A Leap of Faith

As we close in on 7 weeks until I leave for Panama/Italy, I'm finally starting to stress out a little (okay, a lot). It's actually sinking in that I'm going to be on the other side of the world for almost a year, away from my family, my friends, my language, my culture, my dance scene, and everything familiar. This must be how missionaries feel....except I get the comfort that I'll be able to talk to my family whenever I want and I'm free to actually have a life over there. Don't get me wrong, the excitement far outweighs the stress, but the stress is just a new part of the ball game for me now.

I'm trying to go with as few possessions as possible, so thinking about how to fit everything I could possibly need in a foreign country in 2 backpacks and a messenger bag is freaking me out a little. But I can't think of a more reasonable way to do it. I want to feel light, yet prepared, and I think the perfect balance will work itself out. This website has been super helpful in researching which kinds of backpacks are best, what to pack, and how to travel smart. Check this chick out!

In the midst of the stress/excitement, there is an immense calm. I have never wanted something so badly or worked this hard for anything up to now, and as the weeks go by I only feel more and more right about it. My housing is falling into place, the tickets are being purchased, and soon I'll have a passport. The more I trust that God has it in hand, the easier things get. He's so awesome that way :)

Anyway, I just wanted to take a minute to express how grateful I am and keep you all in the loop of how things are progressing! Thank you for all the love and support you've been sending my way, you have no idea how good it makes me feel!

Happy Friday!!

Also, just to make you a little jealous ;) this is where I'll be in 7 weeks:

And a couple weeks after that, I'll be here: 

Yup, be jealous. 

Summer Rain

It's been raining almost every day in the afternoon for the past week, and it has been glorious! It's the kind of driving, window-clattering rain that is accompanied by thunder that makes the walls shiver and lightning that illuminates the whole sky from horizon to horizon. Nature is truly a magnificent, untamed creature that is all at once exhilarating and terrifying and at times makes you grateful to be behind glass.

Right now it's raining incredibly hard, but everything is light. Against the gray sky, the light is almost white; it's such an interesting, beautiful contrast. As the rain dissipates, the ground will glisten with little puddles, the snails will make their tiny windy trails of goo across the sidewalks, and the air will be heavy and fresh. And maybe later today I'll get to play the game of watching the droplets chase each other across the windows of the car...admit it, it's your favorite rain game ;)

Happy 4th of July!

This year for the 4th of July, I didn't actually get to see any fireworks, but it was still one of the best 4th of July celebrations I've ever had. A group of about 10 of us went up to my friend Griffin's cabin up Provo Canyon, which his great-great grandfather built for his wife way back in the day. It is GORGEOUS! I want my husband to love me enough to build me a cabin someday....I guess we'll see ;)

We took a hike in the twilight hours up to this incredible waterfall:

It wasn't gushing or anything, but it was misty, green, and had such a pleasant sound. I don't know if you can see the couple in the top right hand corner (they're wearing blue and yellow) but I climbed barefoot up to that ledge, and then a little higher to get closer to the water and look back over the valley. It was seriously a view out of Lord of the Rings; it was simply breathtaking. I got covered in mud and it was glorious :) 

Here's the 3 girls after I climbed the falls (me trying not to get mud on Miriam)

And a shot of the front part of our little Fellowship trekking through the greenery:

We spent the rest of the evening eating tin foil dinners, laughing until we cried, watching Juno, snuggling, and having philosophical discussions about super powers, atomic physics, and mid-life crises, just to name a few. We stayed up a little past midnight, cleaned up and drove back down the mountain to our respective homes, spent and full of the beauties of the day :) 

Special thanks to Glen Hinkle for the photos! 

Where Did June Go??

Guys...I leave for Italy in 10 weeks!!! Also, did I mention I'm stopping by Panama for 12 days on my way? I'm so excited! I get to visit Chancy, who, if you remember, is teaching English down there for the foreseeable future. I figured it would be easier to visit on my way to Europe now rather than waiting a couple years and making a whole separate trip. Plus, from the beginning, he has been by far the most supportive and excited about my trip, so it seemed appropriate that he should be the one to see me off :)

The time is flying by, which is wonderful, and aided by the fact that work takes up most of my time. Someone asked me yesterday what I do when I'm not working and the first thing that came to mind was dancing, of course, but beyond that, there's not much else haha. If I'm not working, I'm either dancing, on a train, or sleeping. I have been sneaking in a little reading on my lunch breaks and when I'm riding the train to Provo on the weekends, and that has been a lovely luxury. I like being so busy, though, it really makes the time go quickly. I just finished Life of Pi yesterday, and if you haven't read it or at least seen the movie, I highly recommend both. The extent of human creativity never ceases to amaze me.

Speaking of dancing, my new favorite place to dance is at The Green Pig on Monday nights downtown. The music is live, made up of a hodge-podge of local musicians who bring their instruments and sign up for slots throughout the night, and people who have never even met play incredible, soulful blues as if they've been playing together for years. Here's a great photo from last night's shenanigans:

A Super Belated Birthday Post

I realized I never blogged about my birthday!! That whole month was such a whirlwind (hence, I only blogged once, for Mother's Day) that it didn't even occur to me. But let's fix that...a month late.

My actual birthday was not exactly orthodox, but it was definitely packed and productive. I woke up at 6:30am, which might I point out was the earliest I think I'd woken up all year, and caught the 7:50am train to Salt Lake, where my sister took me around to all the businesses around her house and I handed out resumes like free candy. I was so needing a full time job and wasn't finding one in Provo, so if I found one in Salt Lake, I would take it. (And as we know, those efforts were rewarded with an awesome job!) At 11 I caught a ride back to Provo to do my daily babysitting for the cutest little boy, Henry, who I'd been watching since January for a couple hours a day. Once Henry was gone, I ran to the store to get ingredients for dinner, came home and cooked with my roommate Amy to make a gorgeous birthday feast. We both showered and got ready for the evening and received our dinner guests: Aldo, his girlfriend and my good friend Kristin, and my brother Jared. We enjoyed a lovely omelette, mashed potatoes, green beans, with lemonade and Amy's masterpiece of a triple chocolate cheesecake! It was simply amazing. Then we all went dancing at our local blues/west coast venue and tore up the night.

The following Saturday was my actual party, which was at Keys on Main in Salt Lake, the dueling piano bar. If you haven't been there, you really should go! Those guys were so incredibly talented; the show was engaging from the time they started til well past midnight, it was amazing. Since it was my 21st birthday, it was my first time in a bar and it felt so good to finally be old enough to go out with all my older friends! Also, it being my birthday, the performers got to pull me up on stage and sing a very inappropriate, yet hilarious song to me, much to my friends' delight and my embarrassment. It was fun to sit on the pianos and show off my pretty dress though! My friend Glenn snapped these for me:

So there you have it, the birthday update! It was seriously one of the best birthdays I've ever had. It's so great to be officially an adult and on my way to big, exciting, adult things :)

I Live a Beautiful Life

I feel like everyone comes to this conclusion several times throughout life: My life is beautiful. I am so incredibly, unfathomably blessed. How can I complain about anything at all when there is such abundant, exquisite experience being had at every turn? That's how I feel today. Sure, there are struggles and minor set backs in my plans from day to day, from week to week, but in the grand scheme of things, everything is turning out exactly right and God is unrolling such a spectacular vista before me that I can't see the edges.

I am so thankful for my job, that it's interesting, pays well, is close to my house, and will serve me in a variety of ways for the rest of my life. I am thankful for my sweet sister who is letting me live with her for the remainder of the summer, at a more than fair price, and who is always willing to do whatever she can to support my social life. I am thankful for my bike, for the buses and trains, and for generous friends who help me get around to my various activities. I am thankful for the sunshine, for good books, and the freedom to enjoy them, to get lost in another world for a little while every day.

In essence, I'm just really happy to be alive and well with plans moving forward for Italy. Happy freaking Friday!!

For My Papa

(Sorry this is a few days late)

This is the only picture I could find with my dad in it, he's always the one behind the camera!

Of course, everyone says they have the best dad in the world, and mine is no exception! My dad married my beautiful mother (who we celebrated last month) and together they have raised 7 amazing children. Not only do we get our handsome genes from him, but we also were lucky enough to inherit his goofyness, his willingness to work hard, his fearless attitude toward big dreams, and his awesome people skills. From the time I was little, my dad has always been the biggest supporter of my dreams; he will do everything in his power to make sure that I am living my full potential and getting the best help available, no matter what it is. I always think of him when I give a presentation or go into a job interview, knowing his example is what gave me the ability to speak and present myself well. I value his guidance and his advice so much, and I know he loves me more than anything in his world. I am so lucky!! 

Happy belated Father's Day, Papa! You have my whole heart :)

--your special

Lots of BIG NEWS!

Okay, I know I was more absent in May than usual, but I promise I had a good reason: I was making big, life-rocking plans that I finally get to make public!

Recognize this view?

 

In case you don't, that's Florence, Italy. And....guess what? I'm moving there in September!! AHHHHH!!! I've seriously been internally (and sometimes externally) screaming about this for almost 2 months now! I'm so unbelievably excited. So why Florence you ask? Well, let me tell you the story. 

As you may or may not know, I've been working as a figure model for the last year and a half. I started working at BYU and then started working for a private studio as well last February. (Just to clarify, a figure model is one that poses for anywhere from 30 seconds to 20 minutes at a time for a class of art students who are learning the fundamentals of figure drawing.) It has been one of the most fulfilling, horizon-expanding experiences of my life. I love getting to be part of the art, especially since my drawing skills are less-than-even-proficient, and I love watching the students grow and progress in their skill, knowing that I'm part of what facilitated it. 

So, last November, I was talking to one of my artist friends and upon finding out that I was a model, he said, "I have a friend who modeled in Italy for a year and a half, you should talk to her!" And I thought, "Italy? Modeling? SIGN ME UP!!" So I sent his friend, Vanessa, a message, but I never heard back from her. 

Fast forward to the beginning of this April. I was dating Chancy, and he up and decided that he was moving to Panama. Once he bought the ticket, he had the bug of making other people do crazy, awesome things like him, so he asked me what I really wanted, where I would really like to be. I was originally planning to move to California, but now my options were wide open and I knew I had the freedom to do whatever I felt like, gosh dang it! So I mulled it over for a little bit and then it hit me like a brick: ITALY! Duh. I sent Vanessa another message, telling her I was seriously looking at moving to Italy and wanted to know about her experience working as a model there. She called me the next day and we had a blast talking about how amazing Italy is and what a life changing experience it was for her, and would hopefully be for me. She gave me all the information I needed to get in contact with the 3 art academies in Florence, and I was set on the path. 

Fast forward to now. I got an amazing job in Salt Lake City that's paying me enough that I can save up over these 3 months of summer and have enough at the end to cross the pond and have myself an adventure! Needless to say, it's been a whirlwind of a month, but I couldn't be more thankful or more excited about the changes and sacrifices. It's such a gratifying feeling to chase a dream and actually have it within your sights to have it come true. And of course, there is so much more to the story underneath, all the divinely guided moments and encounters that all string together to make the path that led me here. I feel so blessed to be able to see even a few of those experiences as more than coincidence.

What are your deepest desires, the dreams you thought impossible? Really think about it. They might not be as far out of reach as you think....:) Get happening!

For Mother's Day

This is my beautiful mamma:

(and my cousin, and me back when I had long hair haha)

First I just have to say how thankful I am to have a mother. When I meet people my age who have already lost their mothers to one circumstance or another, I am overwhelmed with sadness, both for them and at the thought of ever losing my mother at all. She is my rock, the one I turn to when I need help with almost anything. Just the other day I called her from the grocery store to check that I had all the right ingredients and plans for the dinner I wanted to make, and let's be real, it's way more fun to call your mom than just look things up on the internet, right? It was fun to share that small adult moment, while still being her child and needing a little help. 

My mom is the epitome of softness and home to me. Whenever I think of her, I automatically imagine myself snuggled into her chest, breathing in the smell that is just her, with her hands lightly stroking my back. And just like that, everything in the world is right again, even if it's just for a moment. I always think of her when I'm cooking, wishing I had that special touch that I can only assume comes with having babies. Maybe it's the hormones...or something. Whatever it is, it's only a mom thing. I think of her when I'm out walking, especially in the spring as everything's blooming, because she can tell me the names of almost everything we'd see; I love her passion for nature and the simple beauties of the world. She's the one who taught me to appreciate the little things, from a happy birdsong to the way leaves whisper to each other in the breeze. She taught me to love books, and only the best ones. She showed me how to serve selflessly and with ease. I was infused with a love of art, music, and performance from the time I was tiny, sitting at her feet listening to her sing over the carved body of her guitar. 

The only other thing that adds to how wonderful my mother is, is the way my father loves her. I have seen them grow closer than ever in the last few months as they have taken on a calling in our church that requires them to work very closely and intensely together, and it has been beautiful to watch. But of course, my dad has always been her biggest fan and the first one to brag about how amazing she is. Though it's not perfect, their relationship gives me hope for my own future. 

In sum up, I love you, Marmy. You're my favorite :)

Lessons From the Universe

For the first time in a very long time, I got to sit down and read a book all in one sitting. I woke up this morning, had some breakfast, then promptly got back in bed and read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (which, if you haven't read it, you need to...like, yesterday.) I've read it at least 3 times before, but every time I read it again, it's as if it's for the first time. I've never had another book read that way. Even though I know what's going to happen, somehow it's either been long enough or the story is so complicatedly simple that it's a completely fresh experience. It's a story about pursuing your dreams, following the omens, and learning the Language of the World. Like I said: complicatedly simple.

As I read this time, thoughts and memories came up in my mind, showing me a few lessons the universe has been putting in my path over the last little while. The foremost of those lessons was that dreams are important. As children, each of us has dreams, goals and aspirations that resonate within us, all the way to our souls, and the world looks beautiful and full of possibility and hope. But then, as we grow, the color of the world gets darker and our dreams start to seem impossible, so we often give up. But the moment the choice is made to listen to our inner child, everything in our world conspires together for our good, the dream awakens, and we are set on a path. I've been thinking about making some pretty radical changes in my life, but I've been afraid to fully plunge in, for fear that everything will go wrong or that I am pursuing the wrong path. But then today, everything felt right. It is scary to dive off the cliff and do something completely different than I expected or what has been expected of me, but I realized everything is falling into place to help me get exactly what I want.

The other lesson that has come up a lot lately that I wanted to mention was to immediately listen to impressions from the Spirit. God is always listening and can therefore tell when one person needs something from someone else. I LOVE getting to be that someone else. I also love the moments when I can recognize my innermost needs being met through another person. Sometimes it's a smile, a text, or a conversation with a stranger while waiting for a train. It's all God's love, and we should be anxiously listening for both the chance to give and to receive it.

Final thought from The Alchemist: Everything is written by the same hand. Everything is one. Isn't that a comforting thought?

Off Adventuring

Sorry for the hiatus, it's been a crazy crazy month! April always seems to be the time when everything pours in with the rain (and boy has it been raining.) School is finally over, but leading up to that were a few really fun events. Last post I told you about the Festival of Colors, which was amazing, but what I didn't tell you was that later that night Chancy and I went to the BYU Traditions Ball. Somehow we managed to clean up pretty well:

I scored that gorgeous dress for $20 at DI last summer and I was so excited to finally get a chance to wear it! Chancy was the perfect date for this fancy event, he was classy and a perfect gentleman. The live band was incredible and we wowed everybody there with our smooth blues moves, especially to "Fever." Let me tell you, they were jealous of our mad skills ;) 

A couple weeks later was my good friend Hailey's 21st birthday, which was a smashing success! It was a loosely masquerade-themed party, so I painted my eyes all pretty and wore a feather in my hair and feathers in my ears and we had a blast: 

As you may have gathered from the pictures, Chancy and I have been spending quite a bit of time together in the last few weeks, and we've had a really beautiful time. He and I have been best friends for almost a year now (he and his roommate Aldo have been there for me particularly in the last few months, helping me through being in a long distance relationship and just generally being awesome) and shortly after the Traditions Ball we decided we wanted to be more than just friends ;) Unfortunately, our time together has an expiration date of next Monday because he got an opportunity to work in Panama, where he served his mission, so he's taking it with great enthusiasm. Even though it's been short, I couldn't be more thankful for our time together and all the soul-deepening experiences we've shared. He has been there for me in a time when I was vulnerable and needing a lot of healing and love, and he knew just what to do. 

And finally, my summer plans have shifted from moving to California to staying here in Utah for just a few more months. There's a really exciting reason as to why, but I can't tell you just yet....so stay tuned!! Much love :)

All Things Spring

I woke up to my favorite sound this morning: rain against my window. Nothing says SPRING! like a gorgeous, soft rain shower. The whole weekend was beautifully sunny and I got my first inklings of a sunburn on my nose and cheeks, which made me sooo giddy with thoughts of more sun to come!

And instead of dying eggs for Easter this year, I dyed myself! This Saturday, all my closest friends (except poor Meg, who was stuck in bed with a migraine) got together for the Holi Festival of Colors at the Hindu temple down in Spanish Fork. It's an annual Hindu celebration of life and joy and freedom that is attended by about 20 Hindus and about 2 million Mormons haha....but seriously. So we went and got ourselves covered with chalk and had ourselves a blast. Here's some evidence:

Before.....

After....

Team Purple Hand!

A view of the temple

Taken from here:

Happy Spring!!

An Easter Update

Well folks, it appears that all the uncomfortableness of last week was leading up to a profound learning experience: being single again. Things hadn't been quite the same between Abram and I in the 3 weeks since seeing each other, so it wasn't completely unexpected, but of course it was painful and not what I wanted.

So, it has now been a week, and I just have to say that I am incredibly blessed. I had so much immediate support in any way that I needed it, which was an amazing show of just how many close friends I have and how much they care about me. I feel so lucky to have also been blessed with the gift of perspective, even on the day it happened. There is, of course, still sadness and hurt, but more than anything I feel empowered and hopeful for the next beautiful thing that is waiting for me, and I am full of gratitude for my relationship with Abram, which was perfect for what it was and completely changed my life for the better. 

It's so fitting that today is Easter in all the gratitude I am feeling and I'm glad I have an excuse to be publicly vocal about it. I have spent a lot of time on my knees in the last week, and there is no question that there was someone listening, giving me answers and peace. I know that there are many unseen forces working together in my life for good, and that every day is one more step on a path that He already sees and is just as excited as I am to be there with me through all the growing and beauty to come. 

Tangible Distance

I've been thinking about that in-between space--where lips almost meet, the inch where failure becomes success, waiting for the next words, from the leap to hitting the water....that moment of suspension where anything can happen. At the moment, that's what my life feels like. A lot of learning and pushing has happened in the last week, and as we all know, growing is never comfortable. Everything feels stretched and strained and that not-quite-right feeling follows me everywhere. I feel like there's this bubble of clear, flexible glass around me that lets me see and hear but not touch anything. Even being held feels disconnected, and that's what makes the distance tangible.

3rd Time's the Charm

I hadn't really thought about it until I was sitting in the airport on Sunday, admittedly trying not to cry my eyes out in public, but I realized Abe and I have had to say goodbye 3 times now after only being together a few days at a time. It's so strange to think that our actual, in person relationship has only taken place in 3 to 10 day stints...why we couldn't have figured out we were supposed to be together when we were in the same town I'll never know. But to be perfectly honest, I don't think I'd have it any other way. I've been the happiest I have ever been in the last 6 months, and that's being apart from each other, I can't even imagine how happy I'll be when we live in the same state again. This time apart has really given us a chance to grow and take risks and learn to trust what we have, and I don't know if we could have gotten the same emotional experience without the distance, so I'm continually grateful for it, as hard as it's been.

 Moving away from the pensive broodings of tired Kimber and onto happy details of the weekend :) I flew in Thursday night and we went straight from the airport to blues dancing, which was just what I needed. I loved seeing a few familiar faces (most of whom said something along the lines of "We've danced before...how do I know you??" within about 10 seconds of dancing with me or hearing my name, so I'd quickly explain that we met over New Years) and enjoyed meeting lots of new people. I think my second favorite thing about dancing, the first being the dance itself in all of its intimacies, is catching other people watching me dance. I love that I'm at the level now that people actually stop to watch me, it makes me feel so good, like I've finally moved past the phase of worrying about what I look like and into the place of actually looking good because the movement is coming naturally. So obviously, the first night = success. We grabbed some In-N-Out on the way home at about 2am, which was a nice chance to finally just sit down and talk and look at each other for the first time in 2 months. Just being able to reach across the table and put my hand in his was so simply and deeply satisfying.

Friday was a mix of lazy and productive. after sleeping in late, we got up and ready for the day only to decide we didn't want to do anything just yet so we curled up on the couch and got caught up on a TV show we both watch and just enjoyed the down time. Around 1 we decided we needed to do something productive, so we ran all our errands to Costco, getting the oil changed, and getting him a much-needed haircut. We came home to a beautiful sunset so we took our sandwiches on a lovely walk around the park near his house.

Saturday morning found us making breakfast with our friend Meghan, who brought a lovely fruit bowl to our pancake bar meal--it was marvelous. Abram's niece had a birthday party that day up in south San Francisco, so that's where we spent most of our afternoon. His brother's neighborhood there in San Bruno is an interesting eclectic mix of architecture and style, and we got to see an impressive amount of it on a walk we took to let his niece nap away from the party-filled house. I also got to hold his other niece for about an hour that afternoon, and oh my word, what a beautiful, tiny little bundle she was. She's about 6 weeks old and was happy to just snooze on my chest and let me get my fill of snuggles :)

That night there was a big blues house party, which was probably the highlight of the weekend. We danced for a good 6 hours straight, staying up into the wee hours of the morning by the fire pit in the backyard and all taking turns in the droopy hammock. The other thing I love so much about blues is what an instant community there is between dancers. I felt immediately welcome and unconditionally loved, leaving with many more friends than I came in with. I can't wait to have that be my permanent community this summer!! I'll leave you with a beautiful picture from that night, and tell you that I couldn't be happier :)

Tomorrow

Tomorrow's the day! After almost 8 weeks apart, Abram and I get to spend the weekend together :) Needless to say, I'm kinda stoked. Last time I flew out there this was my favorite part of the flight:

(not my picture)

I got lucky enough to see both sunset and sunrise over LA on either end of the trip and it was AMAZING! I love planes and airports and just the whole experience. So excited. 

The other thing I'm sooooo looking forward to (besides dancing, cooking, kissing, and generally lounging with my man) is the weather!! It will be so great to get away from the gross snow of Utah and bask in some of this for the weekend: 

P.S. Brittany posted some more gorgeous pictures!! If it's any incentive to check them out, I'm wearing a freaking crown of pine branches. She's so cool. No two fish are alike is where you'll find her :)

On Vulnerability

Last night one of my best friends sent me a 4 page text telling me she was worried she was starting to like this new guy in her life too much. Her last relationship was with a manipulative...pig (which is the understatement of the century) so she has been understandably wary of trusting someone with her heart again. I didn't really think too much before replying, just let the words come out and was surprised to find I had some pretty profound wisdom to share: "The best thing I can tell you is that it is always worth it to love, to give your heart fully, especially because there's a chance it'll get broken. That's the only way you're ever going to learn to trust someone again."

I've reread that several times over the last day and the more I think about it, the more it makes sense to me. As someone who's been through her fair share of heartbreak, I can honestly say I don't regret giving my full heart every time. Why should getting your heart broken make you afraid to give it again? What if the next person who comes into your life is the one that is meant to stay but you don't trust them enough to give them your full heart, always harboring that small particle of doubt and fear that they will hurt you? I don't want to live my relationships in fear. I want to live them fully and with trust, though I obviously don't want to be naive about it, but I think that's where past heartache comes in; if you learn from the mistakes of past relationships, the next ones should be richer for the experience. This is just me thinking out loud, and I totally understand that other people think differently about this than I do, but there's my 2 cents.

In other news, my friend Brittany from no two fish are alike and I did a really cool photo shoot a couple weeks ago and she posted 2 of the pictures to her blog so you should go check them out (the first one is my favorite)! I love having artistic friends :)

Last, but not least, sorry it's been a while, it hasn't been a super eventful month, just trying to plow through school and figure out summer plans. But, I get to see my man in 3 days (!!!!!!) so....that's exciting :) and slightly distracting. Updates to come! Thanks for stopping by.

Thank You Lord...

...for cookies, Skype, my spirit sisters who always know the right thing to say; for airplanes, cars, and the money to use them; for art that makes me think and question and cry; for love, in all of its forms and expressions; for space heaters and friends who know when to just hold you and be quiet; for a boyfriend who knows how to work hard, cares about what I think, and tells me he misses me; for my endlessly supportive family; for my body that carries me through every day and allows me to express myself in so many creative capacities. And if you're reading this, know that I'm thankful for you too, in more ways than you will every know. And:

Kindred Spirits

I know I've mentioned my best friends Megan and Erin before, but just to recap, they're my twin best friends who are at school up in Washington who I've known since we were 11. Erin writes an incredibly beautiful blog, which you can enjoy for yourself at scrupulology.blogspot.com.  I was catching up on in today and was brought up short by this post:

Christ and King:

If it be your will

Preserve me through the day -

Live in everything I do

And every word I say -

Master, Maker:

Mold this clay -

And show to me the narrow way. 

I named this prayer-poem, “A Dedication.” I say it close to ten times on a daily basis. It is the prayer I speak to God when I am weary, worried, overwhelmed. It is also the prayer that brings to God moments of intense consolation and praise in my life. It is my all-purpose prayer, probably because within it the God of my heart and mind is manifest. A God that is savior and king, sustainer and guide, master and maker. In this prayer, I disclose my belief in a God that recognizes and protects my identity as his beloved daughter. I profess my complete reliance on his love and mercy to carry me throughout my days. I acknowledge his formative power in my life, and invite his guidance and presence in all things. I enshrine his majesty in a quiet, simple poem; perhaps unintentionally because I see him most clearly in unassuming, accidental things. Through prayer, I have found an omnipotent God that dwells on the edges of aspen leaves and waits for me in good books and honest conversation. He is a God who has stitched himself into the fabric of my life, and stirs my soul both when I seek him out and when I stumble upon him.

It's not often that I am brought to tears by words, unless it is at the end of an emotional book because I usually need the build-up to get that kind of response. But Erin's words struck something very deep within me...something I've never found the adequate words to express before, and have now found in the words of a sister whose soul is made of the same stuff as mine. Yesterday was a day of intense prayer and reflection for me as I am seeking specific answers to some hefty life decisions, and I was so blessed to find exactly what Erin described: love and mercy to carry me, His words spoken through others, and His presence in every single thing I touched. I am deeply humbled and full of gratitude, both for my Heavenly Father and the sweet blessing of friendship.

Happy Friday!

Well folks, it's the end of the week and I have to say, it's been a good one :) Tuesday night, it was made possible by some of my dearest friends for me to buy tickets to go visit Abram 4 weeks from today!! We didn't think we'd get to see each other until at least April, so this is a very welcome treat. I couldn't be more thankful for the incredible support I have around me on all sides, from friends to family, even people I barely know. There is so much love in the world, and I am infinitely grateful to be on the receiving end of some very beautiful loving :)

Other good things this week included two nights of mind-blowing dancing. Tuesday night in particular, I was just really on, all my nerve endings buzzing with heightened awareness. Almost every dance I had was fiery and connected...perfect. Last night I went Latin dancing for the first time in quite a while, so I was worried I'd be rusty, especially dancing in heels, but I got compliment after compliment and was passed from one partner to the next, usually with a comment like "You have to dance with her, she's amazing!" I also ended up running into quite a few friends I hadn't seen in over a year, it was so great to catch up with everyone. Today my entire body is sore, but it was so worth it.

This morning I woke up to a cheerful "Good morning sweetheart"  so my Friday definitely started out on a good note. We'll see how the rest of the day turns out, but for now it's:

On Being a Girl with a Boyfriend

Ok, so I'm kind of failing at my New Years resolution to post more, but I've been overwhelmed with how much there is to say and how little time I've had to compose my thoughts. So here's a quick update!

Biggest news: I officially have a boyfriend!! His name is Abram, and as I mentioned in my last post, it's been quite a while in the making, so it's really lovely to have it finally be official. Neither of us have been in an actual, labeled relationship in quite a few years, so saying it out loud is still a little weird for both of us, but I, for one, couldn't be enjoying it more.

Spending time in California with him over the break was incredible, and just what we needed to figure out where we wanted our relationship to be headed. It was so nice to be together in real time, doing everyday things, just being together without having to worry about anything else. We had many wonderful adventures going to the city, dancing the nights away, watching the sun set over the beach in Santa Cruz, eating an inordinate amount of Thai food, braving public transportation, bringing in the new year alone at the top of a parking garage, and making the most of his first Broadway experience. But it was the quiet moments that were the most precious: holding hands in the car in contented silence, keeping each other on task in the grocery store, being held in his arms while I talked to my mom on the phone, cooking/dancing in the kitchen, praying over our meals, stolen kisses when no one was looking...

Needless to say, it was a wonderful, well-spent 11 days. But now we are facing at least 4 months apart again. I'm trying to finish up school at BYU, and he is obviously living and working in Cali, so we're stuck for the time being. I'm doing everything in my power to figure out how to move out there in May or June, but of course there are a lot of complicated factors in trying to make that happen. But where there's a will, there's a way, I have no doubt about that. Long distance definitely isn't easy, but we're doing our best, and so far it hasn't killed us so I'm hopeful that everything will continue to go well.

Thanks for stopping by and caring about the goings on in my little life. Here's a picture of us with the sunset over the beach in Santa Cruz: