I Want a Baby

There is nothing better than a baby. I really can't think of one thing that's better. I've spent a lot of the last few days at my brother's house with his wife and two adorable kids. The newest one is Skyler. He's about 5 months old and he's the perfect little size and has so much sunshine inside him it's just leaking out of his pores. I love being his little friend; he smiles at me like there's nothing in the whole world that could make him sad. And even when he is sad, if I bounce him and rock him, he goes right to sleep and will just suck his thumb and sleep on me for hours. I love feeling his tiny little hands on my skin, the fingers brushing softly on my arms as he sleeps. I love hearing him suck his tiny thumb and feel his little wiggles as he dreams. There is seriously nothing better. I sure love that little man. It makes me want one of my own so badly...but I know I have to wait and the waiting is good for now.

It's Christmas Time!!

I love Christmas. Probably not as much or for the same reasons as many people, but it is a wonderful holiday. Last night my sister and I got to wrap presents for her 8 year old daughter, my beautiful niece, and it was so fun to get to play Santa :) She was so excited to see all the presents under their tree and she's been trying all day to guess what each one is. It's so wonderful to share the magic of Christmas with a child...there's a kind of magic just in the sparkle of her eyes.

Of course, Christmas isn't really about magic or Santa or the presents under the tree. It's really about the birth of our Savior and a time when the whole world seems to remember, for just a moment, that we're all connected, that we all, in our hearts, want peace and joy for all mankind. It's a time when, no matter your religion, no matter where you live, you are one with each person on the planet in celebrating our opportunity to be alive and our connection to a higher power who loves us.

People are kinder, more willing to give of themselves, and family is the center of everyone's focus. It should be that way all the time, but since it's not, it's nice to enjoy the feeling during the Christmas season. I love my family so much, and I can't imagine being without them at Christmas time. I love the lights, the smell of the tree, the giggles of the little ones...   Merry Christmas to everyone!!!

Trees

If you remember, I love trees, and I seem to have an unusual sensitivity/affinity for them. (The evidence is also in the picture dominating the upper portion of this page.) Somehow, they speak to me, to a place deep inside me where the vibrations of creation still linger from a time when we were one with the things of the earth. The following is a poem I wrote about wanting to be a tree.

Grow


I want to be
A tree

Just stand in one place and 
Shoot roots into the ground

My brown hair grow
Thick, climbing, twisting

Close my eyes and 
Awake a tall, strong oak

Or a wispy, whispering
Weeping willow

Feel the water soaking, seeping
Deep into my waiting veins

Furl out leaves of
Velvet silver

Breathe with the breeze
Sigh with the wind

Live
Grow

The Beauty of Art

Dance and animation collaboration produces stirring viral video

As you know, anything that has to do with dance is something I love. This video is something the animation and dance departments at BYU put together and it is beautiful. I love The Weepies, who sing the song and the story is a familiar one to anyone who's ever been in love...or what they thought was love. It's the haunting thought that maybe you could have done something different, something that would have made them stay...but then you realize that even if you had, it wouldn't have changed anything.
So, on that all so pleasant note: enjoy the latest beauty I've discovered :)

Let Love In

I think sometimes people are afraid to love. It's a place we're vulnerable, a place full of land mines daring us to step on them. But it's a place we all must go at some point or we risk becoming cold and shut off from the rest of the world. In the words of Leonardo da Vinci: "A life without love is no life at all." I know I'm guilty of the fear of love. The minute someone gets close, I get skeptical, wondering if it's real, if I'm ready to risk my heart yet again, if I'm strong enough to trust him. But once I let love in, I'm in for the long haul. I'm a person who loves sincerely and deeply. I put roots in every relationship, and if the relationship gets uprooted, it hurts badly. But it also makes for some beautiful trees in my life. I don't believe in doing anything half-heartedly.

So even though it's dangerous, I'm willing to be vulnerable. I'm willing to let love in.

C.S. Lewis is My Hero

I've been reading Words to Live By which is a compilation of writings of C.S. Lewis on different subjects. My very favorite so far is the second word in the book: asceticism. On the subject he says, and I quote:
"To shrink back from all that can be called Nature into negative spirituality is as if we ran away from horses instead of learning to ride. There is in our present pilgrim condition plenty of room (more room than most of us like) for abstinence and renunciation and mortifying our natural desires. But behind all asceticism the thought should be, 'Who will trust us with the true wealth if we cannot be trusted even with the wealth that perishes?' Who will trust me with a spiritual body if I cannot control even an earthly body? These small and perishable bodies we now have were given to us as ponies are given to schoolboys. We must learn to manage: not that we may some day be free of horses altogether but that some day we may ride bare-back, confident and rejoicing, those greater mounts, those winged, shining and world-shaking horses which perhaps even now expect us with impatience, pawing and snorting in the King's stables. Not that the gallop would be of any value unless it were a gallop with the King; but how else--since He has retained His own charger--should we accompany Him?"

Now let that sink in a little bit. Maybe read it again. I love the analogy of horses that he uses; maybe it resonates with me because I love horses so much, but I think anyone can feel the weight of the comparison. Horses are such powerful, thundering creatures, ones to be gotten used to and a relationship must be developed. To be exalted in Heaven, we must master our earthly bodies so that we can be trusted with better bodies on High and ride with the King in a thundering charge through the heavens. What a magnificent day that will be. Thinking of it like that makes it so much easier to make decisions that will keep me pure...it helps to know that in the end it is worth the sacrifices of this world. For this world is full of pony-sized pleasures, but there is a winged stallion waiting for me if I do well.

Dear Future Husband

Can we please skip through a meadow at sunset? Will you read me poetry late at night and let me fall asleep to the sound of your voice? Will you please kiss me softly at just the right moments? Can we never go to bed angry? Will you let me drive your car? Will you watch girly movies with me and pass me Kleenex when I cry at the end? Can the words "I love you" never get old? Will you hold my hand across the table during meals? Can we take a dance class together? Can we please raise our kids in a house with a big backyard with enormous trees? Will you build me a porch swing? Will you tell me I'm beautiful first thing in the morning? Will you surprise me sometimes? Can we cloud gaze on summer afternoons? Will you always be honest with me? Will you leave love notes around the house? Can we never part without a kiss goodbye? Can we grow old together?

Piano Music and Hot Chocolate

I'm at the beginning of the hands-down busiest morning I've had since coming to college, yet I find myself calm, composed and clear-headed while sipping a cup of hot chocolate and listening to the piano soundtrack of Pride and Prejudice. Just thought I would tell everyone what a beautiful morning it is :)

Nutella is the Universal Connector

I love Nutella more than almost any other food in all existence. If you don't know what Nutella is, your life is very sadly incomplete. It is like chocolate peanut butter, without tasting at all like peanuts, and it  is sooooooooooo good. Ahhhhh. 

So, the reason I'm explaining why Nutella is so wonderful is so that you understand the awesomeness of the story I'm about to tell you: I was sitting in the Wilk the other day (which is sort of the commons building at BYU) at a table with a few people I didn't know, just reading a book and minding my own business, and kind of randomly catching bits of their conversation. As I was about to leave, they started talking about Nutella, so of course I looked up with interest and they asked if I knew what it was. I said "Are you kidding me??? I LOVE Nutella!" We proceeded to have a lovely conversation, as complete strangers, about how wonderful Nutella is. 

Conclusion: Nutella is the universal connector! :)

Holding Hands...again

I miss a lot of things about being in a relationship, but most of all I miss holding hands. I talked about this before and everything I said then still applies. I know I've blathered on about Matt quite a bit, but I'm still missing him a lot and then I saw this on my roommate's blog:

Have you ever wondered how two hands can fit so perfectly? Every line, every bone, every small detail flawlessly matched. I have. I wonder every day how holding your hand would make me feel complete. I don’t think you’ve noticed, but late at night, when we walk down the streets, I would secretly sneak my hand next to yours, so they can accidentally touch as we speak. And I would always hope that you would take it and hold it in yours, so we could see life hand in hand. And tonight you did. You held my hand in the softest of ways, our fingers clinging gently to each other’s heart. We were growing happiness between our thumbs as our skin lines came together like jigsaw pieces. You looked at me and smiled with that crooked smile of yours which makes you so special to me. I smiled back, and put my head on your shoulder. Have you ever wondered why we fall in love? I have. I wonder every day. 

This is the way I always felt holding hands with Matt, like our hands were two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. (I should clarify, in case you haven't read the past posts, Matt and I never dated, he's my gay best friend; which I think is something every girl needs at some point in her life haha) We always say that we'll know we've found The One when holding hands with someone else feels as right as it does with each other. 
So there's some beautiful writing to digest :) Have happy thoughts of love this weekend :)

Dancing Joys

I go to a salsa dancing club that meets every Tuesday up at the school and I have now been asked out twice since going there by complete strangers! That has never happened. EVER. In my life. Until now!! I don't know what it is about going there, but I must be sexy when I'm dancing ;)

I started going to the group because I miss salsa dancing soooo much. I competed in it for 3 years in high school with my best friend Matt, who I've mentioned before. He and I were all kinds of hot and fabulous when we danced, and dancing with him is what made me decide that I wanted to be a dance therapist. Matt and I learned so much from each other, both on the dance floor and off. We became best friends, and I really don't think that friendship will ever go away, it only keeps getting better! Dancing at the salsa club makes me miss dancing with him so much...I feel the lack of his presence very sharply right now since I got to see him over Thanksgiving, and now the pain of being separated is fresh again. So I'm letting myself mope a little tonight. Here's a few pictures of us :)

Matt is the standard my future husband is going to have to live up to. I'd marry Matt, but he's gay and Catholic haha. But other than that, we're more than perfect for each other. He's perfect just the way he is, and I wouldn't want him or our relationship to be any different. My whole family loves him and he's the best friend I could ever ask for. Good luck future husband!! :)